VULVALUV: Taking Wearable Tech to a New Place
It seems like every day a new health tracking gizmo appears in stores. The fitbit. The Apple Watch. TICKRx. Leaf, a tracker that’s advertised as “for women” because it’s a fitbit copycat shaped like a piece of jewelry. But are any of these really that special? Do any of them really understand what women need?
No! And that’s why I am developing an innovative and unique health tracker, exclusively for the self-aware, self-care-oriented woman.
VULVALUV Wearable Tech Intimates. Soft and sexy, and oh-so-much more. Function and fashion form a perfect combination in these delectable panties. Wearable tech doesn’t need to look like Google Glass. I am pursuing a partnership with Victoria’s Secret, to bring this amazing new technology to every mall across the nation, in a range of tantalizing styles and colors.
So what can VULVALUV do for you?
First, VULVALUV’s specially-designed crotch fabric will have unique built-in sensors. Have unpredictable periods? No problem. VULVALUV will be able to detect the faintest trace of menstrual blood. No need to fear a stain; when VULVALUV detects a potential issue, it sends a discreet pulse to let you know. No tampon in your purse? Just log in to the VULVALUV app’s community function, and find out where other VULVALUV users have reliably found stocked bathroom vending machines. As I learned when conducting research for The Modern Period: Menstruation in Twentieth-Century America, women don’t mind periods, so much as periods that get out of control. VULVALUV will provide a welcome solution to this perennial problem.
Second, VULVALUV will come with a range of fertility functions. No matter your reproductive goals, VULVALUV will be there for you. Simply enter your goals via the VULVALUV app.
Not ready for a baby? When you slip the panties off, VULVALUV will sound a gentle, romantic chime. Don’t forget the birth control!
Hoping to make a baby? VULVALUV will have sophisticated cycle tracking capabilities. It will automatically record your menstrual days, and predict your most likely ovulation window. Its sensors also measure temperature, for more reliable charting. Set VULVALUV to alert you and your partner via smartphone. The discreet yet distinctive “V” will pop up in the corner of the screen. Time to hop in the sack ASAP!
Want to share your babymaking journey with friends and family? VULVALUV will be able to send a simultaneous message to Facebook: “‘V’ trying ;).” It will also sync with popular website forums, such as BabyCenter.com. Not only can you share the babymaking experience, you will be able to receive offers from our affiliates, based on your personalized profile built automatically from the data VULVALUV seamlessly collects.
No period a couple weeks later? VULVALUV will remind you to buy a pregnancy test. Post the results to Facebook, and VULVALUV will collect it for your baby’s Conception Story, the latest must-have for the baby book. With VULVALUV, your baby will know how much you cared, even from before he was conceived.
Third, VULVALUV will be uniquely equipped to help you with your fitness goals. Feeling discouraged about that wobbly stomach after the baby arrives? VULVALUV naturally includes the basics, such as the movement sensors and heart rate monitor found in ordinary devices. But it also features a new, crucial component: the Smart Waistband. The Waistband will count your crunches, track your waist size, and will even be able to suggest diet menus if you exceed the waist measurement goal you have set. Does your Pilates teacher keep telling you to pull your belly button to your back? VULVALUV can help you pull that stomach in with a mild shock delivered by the Waistband, triggered by pressure-sensitive sensors. Tend to get bloated on your period? VULVALUV’s smart technology understands. Your goal waist measurement will be adjusted to accommodate that natural fluctuation, and VULVALUV will use that data to enhance the accuracy of its menstrual tracking.
Another unique fitness feature, so important after the baby arrives: VULVALUV will be the only smart device that encourages a healthy pelvic floor. Set a reminder pulse, and you won’t forget your hourly kegels. VULVALUV can sense if you are doing them correctly, and track your progress. Banish a major source of post-pregnancy worry!
Whether you’re seeking those six-pack abs or that adorable baby bump, VULVALUV will help get you there.1 VULVALUV is truly the wearable tech that understands women.
Want to get in on the ground floor? I am seeking venture capital. The market potential is enormous. Tens of millions of health trackers are sold each year. And VULVALUV will have exclusive access to some of the most valuable market data and customer connections out there: it will be able to target expectant parents even before they are actually expecting. Write to me in the comments section. Let’s put VULVALUV on every tush in the nation.
Notes
- Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t have it all. Even me. Return to text.
Lara Freidenfelds is a historian of health, reproduction, and parenting in America. She is the author of The Myth of the Perfect Pregnancy: a History of Miscarriage in America and The Modern Period: Menstruation in Twentieth-Century America. Sign up for her newsletter and find links to her op-eds and blog essays at www.larafreidenfelds.com.
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4 thoughts on “VULVALUV: Taking Wearable Tech to a New Place”
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LOVE!
On Facebook, I got one suggestion to partner with Spanx, rather than Victoria’s Secret. Fabulous idea! Technologies that were meant for each other, clearly. Any more suggestions? VULVALUV is still in development. Make your ideas heard, and they could become a reality!
Is this real? It feels a bit like satire. But I would totally buy it. If it was comfortable and easy to wear. Basically unnoticable. Is it underwear? Or something else? If this is real and not a joke, there needs to be a picture. If it was real, it would make “natural family planning” actually viable. Takes body temp, checks fluid viscosity, etc in a more accurate way than most humans can do? Sign me up.
I’m so glad you liked it, Mattie! It is, in fact, a satire, but I agree that the device (“smart” underwear) that I was imagining has the potential to be something really positive. I love the NFP idea. I think it’s really important that as wearable technologies come on the market, we think carefully about functions that seem positive to us, and those that might take us in problematic directions. I’d love to have NFP in my underwear. And I think a community app that helped us find sanitary supplies would be fantastic. On the other hand, we would want to ask some careful questions about any device that wants to zap us because we let our guts relax, or collect very personal data to sell to advertisers. I’m going to hang onto your NFP idea, in case I get an opportunity to consult on a real wearable tech development project. Let’s make sure women’s interests are genuinely represented in future tech!