Men: Masturbation Equals Liberty!

January 15, 2016

Democratic National Committee
430 South Capitol St. SE
Washington, DC 20003

Re: Speaking at the Democratic National Convention

Dear Chairwoman,

Men for True Liberty is writing to ask for two speaking slots at the DNC in Chicago in August. The speeches will educate convention goers and the public about the threat to men’s freedom and liberty. When Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan won in 2012, we were led to believe that the economy would be restored to its former glory.  Men’s reproductive rights were not even a blip on the radar.  Yes, we had heard about the war on women in 2012, but what did that have to with men? What did that have to do with the economy and jobs?  Our naivety led us to think politicians would never try to control men’s reproductive rights. Well, we realized too late what a big mistake it was to separate reproductive rights from the economy and now it’s time for us to atone for our egregious errors.

Early in Romney’s administration, the House and Senate passed the Sanctity of Life Bill, defining that life begins at fertilization. We admit that most of our members did not think twice about it because Romney had promised to focus on the economy and so we remained silent and patient. Besides, abortions were still legal, so how much power could the law have? Then in 2014, just months after Romney repealed the Affordable Health Care Act and turned Medicare into a voucher program, the Supreme Court overturned Roe vs. Wade, making abortions illegal. On that very same day, we began to hear whispers that masturbation was akin to manslaughter or even murder. We shrugged it off because it was the fringe part of the GOP. I mean how much power could they have? Yes I know, naïve. Soon State Legislatures began voting on bills that would limit a man’s right to masturbate in private, as well as set limits on when men could get vasectomies and purchase Erectile Dysfunction medication, citing recent studies that medication such as Viagra damaged sperm and lowered sperm counts. (Some of these studies have been refuted and exposed as being funded by the Koch brothers) State Congressmen made the argument that since sperm was necessary to reproduction, any attempt to expend, damage, and/or hinder sperm in any way that was unnatural and not according to God’s law, could be considered murder because it was premeditated.  They also argued that healthy, vibrant sperm led to a stronger nation, therefore it must be protected.

Of course, masturbation has become the buzzword in all of the discussions regarding the flurry of bills passing left and right, because how can politicians have any say over what men do in the privacy of their own homes, offices, bathrooms, or wherever they may be alone? Additionally, how can politicians limited a man’s choice to have a vasectomy or take medication for a medical condition?

It seems as if these politicians have taken their advice again from nineteenth-century physicians who believed sperm to be “procreative gold.”  They encouraged men to preserve their supplies, because any extra expenditure led to a risk of spermatic loss.  Spermatic loss or any activity that might damage sperm had negative consequences on the future because weakened sperm created feeble children. If a man admitted to his physician that he excessively masturbated, the prescription was usually more exercise or physical labor to rid a man of this terrible affliction. If that did not do the trick, a vasectomy was offered as cure starting the in late nineteenth century.  Masturbation had also been defined as evil, dirty, and thought to grow hair on your palms. It was sin against God, and now God is standing in our bedrooms once again, not only calling it a sin, but also murder.

God’s law? Murder? I don’t think so. But unfortunately Ryan has made this issue the cornerstone of his presidential campaign bid for 2020, and has endorsed bill H5000, which would ban a man’s sperm from being spent, deterred, or altered. It is up for a vote at the end of 2016 and will pass if Romney wins reelection.

This is why we formed Men for True Liberty and in asking for the opportunity to speak at the DNC, we would like to give you an overview of our campaign.

Men for True Liberty obtained status as a super-PAC in mid-2015 and we have raised about 300 million dollars from the multitude of men, from various ages, economic, and racial backgrounds who believe that masturbation, as well as access to ED medication and to safe and legal vasectomies is a right.

We have several T.V. commercials and advertisements featuring Uncle Sam, Steven Colbert, Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, Jimmy Fallon, Denzel Washington, Will Smith, George Lopez, and even Clint Eastwood (without the empty chair) speaking about male reproductive rights and using our main slogan, “Men: Masturbation Equals Liberty! Vote on Election Day!”

At the same time, several well-known women have spoken in support of our cause, including Meryl Streep, Betty White, Rachel Maddow, Beyoncé, and Eva Longoria.  Additionally, the two remaining members of the Beastie Boys have been gracious enough to rewrite their popular song, “You Gotta Fight for Your Right!,” and have allowed the word masturbate to appear at the end of the title.  New commercials and advertisement campaigns will feature the song.

We have trained and dispatched hundreds of volunteers to campuses across America to get male and female students registered to vote (making sure they have proper ID, since all states now require photo ID to vote), while at the same time, volunteers are educating young men to H5000. Our main message is that the Federal Government has no right to control Americans’ bodies, a message we failed to understand in 2012. The minute women’s reproductive rights were completely suppressed; it opened the door for men’s rights to fall under the thumb of this growing theocracy. Now is the time to fight for our rights, and also reinstate women’s rights to control their bodies.

We have several speakers in mind for the DNC, including Morgan Freeman and Payton Manning, who have both lent their support to the organization. Other male and female sports figures, actors, singers, and politicians have expressed an interest in speaking too.

Men for True Liberty is committed to stopping the GOPs growing theocracy. We made the mistake in 2012 in thinking that it was not a man’s concern to support women’s reproductive rights. We were wrong to believe that men and women’s reproductive rights were in no way connected to each other.  It was ridiculous for us to remain silent.  Reproductive rights are important for both men and women, and we must work together to ensure that what a man or woman does in the privacy of their home and in the privacy of their doctor’s office is safe, legal, and not under the thumb of the U.S. Government. We made a horrible error in judgment in 2012, and look to the 2016 election as a chance to correct those mistakes.

We hope you will grant our request.

Please feel free to contact our office at any time.

Sincerely,

Men for True Liberty

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For further reading please see the following:

Thomas Walter Laqueur, Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation (Cambridge, MA: Zone Books, 2004).

Ben Barker-Benfield, “The Spermatic Economy: A Nineteenth Century View of Sexuality,” Feminist Studies,  vol. 1, no. 1 (Summer 1972).

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Featured image caption: No Masturbation Jokes. Flickr